Surprise!
by WhatATragicComedy
Summary: Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c make themselves some very unexpected house guests.


Do not own nothing. Nada.

* * *

Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c stood in the narrow hallway, laden with the few belongings they had. Carter stared resolutely at the door, overcome with a sudden bout of nervousness. This was a really bad idea. What were they thinking?

"Uh, Sam? Are you planning on, um, _knocking_ on the door any time soon?"

Right. Yes. The door. She was standing the closest to it, thus it being logical that she would be the one to knock.

"Just a second, Daniel."

"You're not _nervous_, are you?"

His voice was a tad in between incredulous and amused.

"He's going to be very mad," Sam stated with a sense of dread.

"Well, yeah," Daniel said as if pointing out the obvious.

"O'Neill will overcome his anger and be pleased to see us once again in passing time. We must enter his dwelling before these actions may take place."

That statement was the Jaffa equivalent of 'If-you-do-not-move-I-will-move-for-you'. With that thought in mind, Sam raised her hand and briskly knocked on the door.

Nothing.

After waiting an appropriate amount of time, Sam knocked again a little louder.

Still. Nothing.

Sam tapped her foot impatiently and glanced briefly back at her companions over her shoulder.

Once more she tried.

Nada.

"Oh for the love of..."

Daniel reached from behind her and twisted the knob. To Sam's surprise, it opened. Daniel simply shook his head muttering, "The man really needs to learn to lock his door."

Letting themselves in, they found the entryway leading to the left. Sam dropped her duffel bag and walked into the living area, smiling at what she found. Or rather whom.

Jack was sound asleep on the couch with what sounded to be The Simpsons blaring from the tv. His head rested on the back cushions, mouth hanging slightly open. Even now, he was just too cute.

Daniel came to stand at her shoulder and quietly snorted. "Where's a camera when you need one?"

Sam smiled back at him and as one, the three of them entered the living area.

"Jack," Daniel called loudly trying to wake him ...unsuccessfully.

"Ja-ack," he sing-songed, trying again. No reaction. "Special ops, my ass."

Sam giggled and decided to try her luck. "Sir!"

There was a slight quirk to Jack's lips, but he slept on.

Growing tired of waiting, and quite hungry, Teal'c stated, "O'Neill."

Jack jerked awake and Sam turned to her Jaffa friend a little indignantly. "How _do_ you do that?"

Jack looked at the sight before him, bewildered and more than a little pissed off. Three kids had just let themselves in his apartment. Who did they think they were? Who did they think _he_ was?

Speaking his thoughts out loud, Jack declared, "What in the hell?!"

Daniel smirked quite evilly. "Hello Jack."

Jack's eyes became very glazed over and his mouth slack as he tried to mentally comprehend what was standing before him. Before he could even begin to assimilate what he'd seen in his head, he was greeted twice more.

"It is good to see you again, O'Neill."

And the real kicker, "Hello, sir."

Jack closed his eyes. "You didn't," was all he could manage.

"We did," Daniel stated rather obviously.

A slight pause, and then, "Have you all gone out of your collective _MINDS?!_"

Receiving no reply but the slightly sheepish look from Carter, Daniel's way-too-pleased-with-himself expression, and Teal'c's impassive stance, all in their mini-me forms, Jack sighed loudly and rested his head in his hands.

"I suppose there's no chance Loki somehow managed to get loose and decided to go after you guys as well?"

"No. Not really," came Daniel's, in Jack's opinion, rather obnoxious reply. "Good idea though."

Was he always this cheeky? Seriously, Jack didn't recall cheeky and Daniel Jackson ever being in the same category before now. Maybe the Asgard hit a wrong button on the Xerox machine and Daniel's came out with smart-ass written into his DNA.

"Why?!"

Sam shrugged and made a determined effort to make herself at home, sitting in his worn out arm-chair and stealing chips off the coffee table. Trying to make her reply as casual as possible, she said, "We couldn't leave you behind, sir."

Jack was momentarily stunned into silence and looked to the others to see their response to that statement. Daniel smiled tightly, hands in his pockets and rocked slightly on his feet when Jack looked at him. Teal'c bowed his head slightly, arms clasped firmly behind his back.

"God...", Jack managed to croak out. "I don't know what to say."

Daniel, never at a loss for words, supplied helpfully, "How about, 'You can crash at my place.'?"

Jack grinned at the scraggly teen figure of his friend. "I've only got the one bed."

"I call dibs on the couch," Daniel claimed, finally deciding to take a seat next to Jack.

"I brought an air mattress, sir," Sam added, propping her feet on his coffee table.

"I have an inflatable sleeping device as well, O'Neill."

Daniel frowned petulantly. "And where was I for that conversation?"

"I believe you were discussing with Thor, Daniel Jackson."

Jack was still trying to wrap his head around the three people sitting in his living room.

"Jack, are you okay?", Daniel asked in his 'concerned' voice which Jack noted absently was a slightly higher pitch now that he was fifteen.

"John."

"What?"

"My name. It's John."

"No, it's not."

"That's what it says on my birth certificate. Both of them actually."

"Yes, and we call you Jack."

"No. _They_ call _him_ Jack." Suddenly, John needed clarification of that fact ...now. "There is still a _they_ right. I mean, you're not them. You're mini-them's, right?"

"Yes, Jack," Daniel stated in exasperation.

"John!"

"I will never be able to call you John."

"You better get used to it, ...Dan."

"Okay. One, you will never, ever call me that again. And two, why can't we call you Jack?"

"Because, _Daniel_, I've been here for a month now and everyone knows me as John. The Air Force is seriously letting you three keep their names?"

It was so quiet Jack was almost certain he could hear crickets chirping two stories down through his closed windows.

"What?" Jack asked with a sense of apprehension.

Sam cleared her throat, sitting upright in her chair. Licking her lips and getting in to her 'this outrageously expensive scientific equipment I'm asking for is important because' face, she began, "They don't actually ...know. Sir."

Jack blinked several times and then looked at Daniel for confirmation. Daniel nodded with the same tight smile as before.

"And how, pray tell, do they _not_ know, Carter?"

"Well, you see, sir, it's kind of a funny story, really," she started nervously.

"Caarter?"

"Right," she muttered under her breathe, recognizing when Jack O'Neill was loosing his patience, no matter what his size. "We sort of, maybe, contacted Thor on our own."

Jack let that sink in for a moment. "So. Let me get this straight. You three ...or rather _they_ three, whatever, got together and decided to make mini-you's ...without Hammond's knowledge. You then got Thor on the phone, had him Xerox you ..._them_, so that now _they_ could all be court-martialed if any of you are found out."

"Technically, only Sam could get court martialed," Daniel pointedly out helpfully.

The glare Jack sent in his direction could have melted steel.

"So, am I understanding you correctly?" His voice was deceivingly calm, but the three knew that Jack was anything but at the moment.

"Yes, sir."

"I say again, 'Are you three out of your ever-loving MINDS?!'"

"O'Neill. This talk is pointless. What has transpired, has transpired. Now, what nourishment do you possess?"

Well! Talk about a moody Jaffa! Jack pointed toward the open kitchen, visably to their left.

"Help yourself, T. I see shrinking you did nothing to lessen your appetite." Or his size, Jack mentally added. While Teal'c was most definitely smaller, for fifteen, he was still very beefy.

Sitting back against his couch, Jack shook his head. He just couldn't get over this.

"Why?! I mean, you guys are gonna be bored in a month. A week even! I'm in high school, for crying out loud!"

"I never really took the time to enjoy high school," Daniel contemplatively said. "The first time around," he added needlessly.

"Me either," Sam agreed.

"But you two probably graduated when you were twelve!"

Sam smiled. "Just trust us, sir. We all thought a lot about it. And it was what we all wanted to do."

Jack sighed heavily, taking it all in. Finally he said, "Well, first of all Carter, drop the sir. It's just weird here."

She arched an eyebrow. "And second of all?"

Actually, there hadn't been a second of all. "And second of all, you all need names. If you think that keeping their names and joining my school will keep you all off the government and NID radar, you really have lost it."

"Does this mean I really have to call you John?"

Jack smirked slightly. "Yes, Daniel. You really have to call me John."

Teal'c rejoined the group in the living room, having procured some ice cream from the kitchen. Having heard the entirety of the conversation, he joined in, "I have previously used the name, Murray, for my outings beyond the SGC."

Daniel grimaced. "I think we should try for something else there, Teal'c."

"Hey! What's wrong with Murray?", Jack mock affronted.

"Last name then?" Daniel compromised.

"How about something that starts with T?" Sam suggested. On three men's askance looks, she looked at Jack. "Well, you call him T half the time anyway."

"Tim?" On receiving two simultaneous nose wrinkles and head shakes, Jack continued, "Titus? Todd? Theo?"

They continued with that for a while, none coming up with anything that they particularly liked. Having moved on to Sam, Jack stated excitedly, "Mandy!"

Her look of horror was enough of an answer. Still, she couldn't help saying, "Mandy?! Are you serious?"

"What? You're names Samantha, so it's like it's still apart of you."

"That's deep, in a very twisted very you type of way, Jack," Daniel commented, only half paying attention as he watched what was on the tv.

"Sorry. No. It will be a cold day in hell before I'm called _Mandy_." She shuddered as the name passed her lips.

Turning contemplative, she thought aloud, "I kind of like Olivia."

"Newton-John?"

Sam glared at him. "No. Just Olivia."

Jack tried to picture her with it. "Could I call you Livvy?"

Her eyes went wide. "No." Shaking her head, she just said, "No. Just nevermind," and went back to thinking.

"What about Amanda?", she asked a few minutes later. "It's still got a familiarity with Samantha ...along your lines of thinking, sir, but it's not horrible like the other one."

Jack smiled at her open critic of his choice. Something Major Carter would never do. And yet she still called him 'sir'.

"Caarter!" he whined.

"Sir?"

He raised both eyebrows, looking at her pointedly as she just answered her own question. When realization hit, instead of looking sheepish like he expected, she grinned cheekily and said, "Sorry, sir." Very unapologetically.

Now Carter was being cheeky? He was gonna have to have a little talk with Thor.Going back to topic, Jack voiced, "I like it."

"Si..." Sam stopped herself. "Like what?"

"Amanda." Elbowing the lethargic bum to his left, Jack questioned, "What do you think, Danny boy?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, Amanda. Yeah, I like it, too."

Jack shook his head. And he thought the full sized version couldn't handle beer. Fifteen year old Daniel was still on his first! ...And last. Old Jack had left him a case of beer that was now almost gone and John sure wasn't going to let Daniel waste any more of it.

"What kind of a name is Topher?", Daniel said to no one inparticular.

"What?"

Daniel pointed at the screen with his beer. "That guy's name is Topher."

"Actually, his name is Christopher, but he just goes by Topher."

Jack and Daniel both looked at her curiously. Sam shrugged her shoulders and said, "Cassie went through a phase," as if that should explain everything. Which knowing Cassie, it kinda did.

"What about Christopher?"

Jack's lips twitched. "I know your name was a little on the boyish side, Carter, but I think that's crossing the line, even for you."

She shot him a look. "I mean for Teal'c," she articulately with venom.

"That is a most pleasing name, Major Carter. I would be honored to be called such."

"It doesn't start with T," Jack whined.

Sam shrugged. "You could still call him T. Like with Topher. It could be your personal nickname for him."

Jack nodded. "Okay. So. T, Amanda," he said, looking at each in turn, "What about you, Danny boy?"

"Shane."

Not having expected an actual answer, Jack asked, "What?"

"Shane." On seeing Jack's raised eyebrows, Daniel shrugged. "I like it."

"Okay then. We all have names."

"Actually, we still need middle and last names, too. I'll have to make us up fake birth certificates and such."

"Why, Carter. I've turned you to a life of crime!" Jack said sarcastically. "How do you plan to go about all that anyway?" Jack had not figured Sam for those type of contacts.

She grinned. "Do you really want to know, sir?"

Jack took a sip of his beer. Probably not. Knowing Carter, she could do it all herself.

Nudging Daniel, Shane ...Jack mentally corrected himself, that would be hard to get used to, he said, "So, got your last name prepped to?"

Daniel thought for a moment, pursing his lips and then stated, "Ballard."

His mother's maiden name. Jack nodded. "Shane Michael Ballard."

"Michael?" Daniel voiced with disdain. "Where in the world do you get Michael?"

"I dunno. You always kinda looked like a Michael to me."

Daniel furrowed his brows in confusion, more at the man sitting next to him than his actually comment. Sam, who had started to write things down, looked at him for how to proceed. Deciding it didn't really matter what his middle name was anyway, Daniel said, "Fine. Michael it is."

Sam wrote down Daniel's new name. Saying aloud as she wrote, Sam continued, "Christopher..." She stopped. "What do you want your middle name to be Teal'c?"

Teal'c thoughtfully ate his ice cream. "I believe I would enjoy Luke as a second given name."

"That's from Star Wars, isn't it?" Jack whispered in Daniel's ear.

Not taking his eyes from the tv, Daniel smirked and nodded his head.

"Christopher _Luke_ Murray," Sam said aloud.

"So, Carter, what about you?"

"I don't know, sir. Jack," she corrected on seeing his look. Catching herself again, she quickly uttered, "John." Sighing at the ridiculousness of it all, Sam asked, "What's your middle name?"

"Richard."

"I thought you're middle name was Joseph?" Daniel questioned.

"I changed it."

"Why?"

Jack shrugged, not really wanting to go into it. Giving a partial answer, he said, "It's my grandfather's name."

Daniel, as always, could tell that Jack had left something out of it but let it be ...for now. He could always corner him later.

Sam was writing again and Jack took the opportunity to divert Daniel's inquisitive gaze from him. "Come up with something, Carter?"

"Katherine." Still looking at the paper with a sense of calm joy, she said, "It was my mother's name."

"What about a last name?"

"I don't know."

Everyone thought for a moment and Jack was the first to speak. "How about Ballard?"

Sam frowned. "That's Daniel's last name, sir."

He chose not to correct her use of the sir, this time. "I know. But you two are already the science twins and now you could actually _be_ twins."

Sam started to shake her head. "That's Daniel's family name. I wouldn't want to step on that."

"Actually," Daniel said, "I think Jack's right."

"Daniel?"

"We're already like siblings. I know I think of you as a sister. And we were technically 'born' on the same day."

Sam started to smile, but asked first, "Are you sure, Daniel?"

He smiled back at her. "I'd be honored, Sam."

"Okay." Her smile came out in full force now. "Amanda Katherine Ballard. There. We all have names.

"I say we cut cold turkey. The faster we get used to the new names, the better."

"I do not understand, O'Neill. What does slicing poultry have to do with our new identities?"

Jack turned to his go-to guy when Teal'c needed to be taught slang. "Daniel?"

"Shane. Remember ...cold turkey?" Turning to _Chris_, Shane said, "It means 'to stop doing something all together rather than to gradually reduce your usage'".

Chris inclined his head. "Thank you, Shane Ballard," he said with a slight quirk to his lips.

"Ah ah ah! No more of the full name stuff, T. I know how much you like it, but if your gonna be in high school, it's just not gonna work. Sorry, buddy."

"As you wish, O'Neill."

And so it began. Four grown adults embarking on life anew. John, Shane, Amanda, and Chris.


End file.
